In our recent newsletter I wrote briefly about the cultural challenges of marriage here as a Christian. The first pastor I talked to about marriage was someone I've known since 2010 when he was still in his teens. I had met with him a handful of times for discipleship, spoken at the church he was apart of and even helped him plan his weekly Bible Studies. Last year when we got back in touch, I found out that his wife was pregnant. Then I found out that the term "wife" didn't mean they were married.
Last month I decided that we had to talk about the "elephant in the room" and I began a very straight forward conversation about him and his wife's relationship. He told me that they were engaged and saving towards getting married, but because they had a child together they needed to live in the same house. We went into much deeper discussion and he was very open and honest. He knew that they had made a mistake by not waiting until they were married to be together. They had also recieved church discipline when it came to light that they were expecting a baby out of wedlock. I was curious to find out what the church did as church discipline and I was told they were kicked out of the church for a number of months and then after time had passed, they were allowed to return.
After hearing his situation and his heart, I shared with him that true repentance means not only feeling sorry about what you've done and asking forgiveness, but also leaving the sin and turning from it and going the other direction. I told him I felt like he was halfway there but as long as he and his fiancee were still living together unmarried, he hadn't really completed his repentance. He agreed with this but shared that the challenge they now faced was finances. Usually the best a couple can hope for is that the family will allow them to pay a portion of the dowry and then get married. The good thing in my friends situation is that his future in-laws have agreed to allow them to have a church wedding before paying the dowry. This in itself is uncommon. The only condition the family has put on their wedding, is that it needs to be big so that not only the whole church can come but the neighboring churches as well.
Here, the couple (especially the groom) is expected to pay for the wedding with help from family and friends. Fundraising for a wedding like this isn't a cheap event. It might not be as expensive as a wedding in North America but they are expected to feed hundreds of people, not to mention the traditional wedding expenses involved. It's a good chunk of change to come up with, especially in a country where the average annual income for an individual is approximately $550. After the wedding, he will still be expected to pay the dowry which is a little less than $3,000 in his case.
When you do the math you can see that in many cases it can take years for a man to save for the dowry. Many people aren't making near the national average in income and it can take them over ten years of saving every penny. So then, the decision they face is to wait until they are 40 to get married and start a family or to live with someone they aren't married to. Its not a simple situation. Some churches won't marry you until you have paid the dowry and have approval from the family. But to totally disregard the tradition of dowry would also give the church a bad name in the community. Culturally, if you haven't paid the dowry the woman's family has the option to forcibly take her back to their home until you pay it. The community and government will respect this action.
All of this forms a tough situation for believers here. It's also caused many young adults to simply walk away from the church. In another pastor's situation, he is living together with his fiancee and their two children and the church has no problem with it. But if they decide they want to honor God by getting married, regardless of whether her family approves, it is written in the church's bylaws that he'll be kicked out of the church.
Keep all these situations in your prayers. One pastor told me we need to start a revolution in the church in Northern Uganda to change the way marriage takes place in the church. Its a tricky line to walk. The number one priority is obviously to honor God, but if not done carefully could turn many people away from the church because it disrespects the culture. Not to mention that many churches aren't willing to make the change. It's not very surprising that among the dozen church leaders I've discussed this with, the opinions seem to vary widely. It depends if the person is around the point in their life the are hoping to get married and need to pay a dowry, or are old enough to have daughters that will soon be getting married.
Please pray that God gives us guidance how to walk through this issue with his wisdom. We want to work in unity with believers and to help them honor God with their lives. Its hard to see how both those things can be accomplished in this situation but when know that God can do it!
- Tim
